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Old 02-15-2004, 13:30   #1
Local_Pol
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Location: Far West IL burbs (outside Chicago)
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The World Of Business

Tips for Managers and Bosses (also applies to Senators and Representatives):

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.

If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Last edited by Local_Pol; 02-19-2004 at 10:09.
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Old 02-15-2004, 23:46   #2
DunbarFC
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Dear god - that fits my last boss to a T



Whoa........
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Old 02-19-2004, 10:11   #3
Local_Pol
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Top 10 Laws Of Project Management

I. No major project is ever installed on time, within budget, or with/by the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the first.

II. Projects progress quickly until they reach the 90 percent complete status, then they remain at the 90 percent complete level forever.

III. One advantage of fuzzy project objectives is that they let you avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.

IV. Daily operating rules governing the overall process:

- When things are going well, something will go wrong.

- When things just can't get any worse, they will.

- When things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

V. If project content is allowed to change freely, then the rate of change will absolutely exceed the rate of progress.

VI. No System is ever completely debugged. Attempts to debug a System inevitably introduce new bugs which are even harder to find and have greater consequences.

Note: If user of Microsoft products, substitute "features" for "bugs".

VII. A carelessly planned project will take three times longer to complete than expected, a carefully planned project will only take twice as long as originally planned.

VIII. Project teams detest project reporting because it vividly manifests their lack of progress.

IX. No worthwhile project should ever have a stated goal of having an overall reduction of paper flow. If this is a stated project goal, the project should be abandoned as it is immediately doomed to complete and utter failure.

Any project being implemented has two levels of consequences: Anticipated consequences (anticipated results) and unanticipated consequences (unanticipated results). By definition, the latter are ALWAYS greater and have more of an impact than the former.
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