Old 02-13-2004, 08:07   #1
Solid
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Old Faithfuls

Figured I might chime in with some oldies.

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Navy SEAL vs. Green Beret
Two SEALs boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Green Beret got on and took the aisle seat next to the two SEALs. The Green Beret kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the SEAL in the window seat said,"I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Green Beret, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the SEAL picked up the Green Beret's boot and spat in it.

When the Green Beret returned with the coke, the other SEAL said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Green Beret obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the SEAL picked up the other boot and spat in it.

The Green Beret returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Green Beret slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Green Beret asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and pissing in cokes?"
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A leg General died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was met by Saint Peter. He told Saint Peter right off:
"If there are any Special Forces people in heaven I don't want to go in, because I HATE SF". Saint Peter replied- "Don't you worry about that, no SF have made it to heaven."

So, the General went on into heaven and began looking at all the wonderful sights, when all of a sudden he spotted something that he just couldn't believe: there, before his very eyes was a 6'6" fellow wearing a Green Beret. Not only the Beret... this guy had a four day growth of beard, scuffed up jungle boots, a big cigar in his mouth, an M-60 in one hand, a Claymore in the other, bandoleers of ammo across his chest and numerous hand grenades hung all over him. The General called over to St. Peter and said, "I thought you said there weren't any of them SF guys in heaven!!! There's one of 'em standing over there!!!!"

St.Peter looked at where the General was pointing and said "Hells no, that's not an SF soldier... That's God! He's not SF, but he sure likes to pretend he is!!"
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There's a Marine, an Airforce Commando, a Navy SEAL and a Green Beret sitting around a campfire telling each-other how mean and tough they are.

The Marine says - "I can swim 50 miles and bite the head off a live chicken. One Marine is worth 5 other men."

The Airforce Commando says - "I can clear runways one-handed and kill a man with my bare hands. One Airforce Commando is worth 10 other men."

The Navy SEAL says - "Yeah? Well I can dive up to 90 feet without air, and I'm an expert in demolitions. One Navy SEAL is worth 13 other men."

The Green Beret just sat there all this time saying nothing, stirring the fire with his dick.
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News Anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Special Forces soldier were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief.

The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job 'til the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Special Forces soldier, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the green beret. "What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the green beret.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The green beret went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Special Forces soldier was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the green beret, "And have you assholes call ME the aggressor?!?"
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Two weeks before Operation Iraqi Freedom starts, an entire battalion of Saddam Hussein's Elite Republican Guard are marching down a road near Baghdad. Suddenly, the recon element reports that there's a US Green Beret standing on top of a dune. The Republican Guard General moves to the front, and the Green Beret yells: 'Hey, assholes! One Green Beret is worth FIVE Republican Guards!'

This enrages the General, so he calls up his five-man long-range recon unit and tells them to 'Waste that Allah-hating goat-fucker'. So, the Iraqis run off to the Green Beret, but just as they reach him, the Green Beret runs over the hill. The Iraqis follow and suddenly there's screaming and shooting and a huge cloud of sand rises from behind the hill. Then, as quickly as it had started the commotion stops.

The Green Beret returns to his position on top of the hill. 'Hey, pig-fuckers! One Green Beret is worth TEN Republican Guards!'

The Iraqi General can't believe it. He calls up a squad of his best soldiers and tells them to 'Kill that God-fucking soldier and Allah will give you all 100 virgins when you die!' The Iraqis charge up the hill, and again the Green Beret runs behind the hill. The Iraqis follow, and all hell breaks loose. Grenades pop, men scream, bullets whizz, and a huge cloud of dust rises from behind the hill. And, as suddenly as it had started, it finishes.

The Green Beret returns to his position on top of the hill. 'Hey, Islamabad-asses! One Green Beret is worth ONE HUNDRED Republican Guards!'

The Iraqi General is fighting mad. He calls up the entire battalion and yells "Kill this man I will give you all the oil in the world!!" The Iraqis charge up the hill like ants, screaming to Allah and firing off their AKs as they approach. Again, the Green Beret runs behind the hill and the Iraqis follow. Massive explosions spray through the air, men scream for their mothers and bullets rip through flesh. A 100 meter high cloud rises from behind the hill. And, as suddenly as it had started, it finishes.

An Iraqi Captain, with a dagger in his back, blood dripping from his head, and his clothes ripped from his body, claws his way painstakingly over the crest of the hill. 'General!' he calls out 'Don't send any more men! It's a trap!! There're TWO if them!'

FIN.
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Old 02-13-2004, 11:08   #2
CRad
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Re: Old Faithfuls

Quote:
Originally posted by Solid


"What!?" said the green beret, "And have you assholes call ME the aggressor?!?"
I absolutely love that joke. Thanks for posting it.
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