Old 01-05-2019, 14:30   #1
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Vegan BBQ Ribs

Spoiler alert:
The following thread could go "The Comedy Zone" but the information deals with food. It is a real recipe for Vegan BBQ ribs so I decided to put it in "The Gourmet Guerilla"
If prepared correctly, it resembles a small rack of St Louis Style ribs. Don’t be fooled by culinary cosmetics - it is wheat gluten baked into a slab and painted with BBQ sauce.

You have been warned - continue if you must.

Spareribs, baby backs, St Louis, English, short ribs, flank ribs – smoked, grilled, slow cooked, roasted, or braised - there is no “best way” to eat ribs – just DON’T FUCKING BOIL THEM
Or fuck it, go ahead and boil them, who cares, as long as you are eating ribs “your way”
..but seriously, don’t boil them – that’s a fucked up way to cook ribs

Everyone likes BBQ ribs
No, everyone LOVES BBQ ribs
Everyone
Even vegans love BBQ ribs - they just aren't allowed to EAT those delicious BBQ ribs.

This unholy union between vegans and their satanic hypocritical use of “meat substitutes” shows a huge disrespect of this classic BBQ dish. Everyone gets to make their own dietary choices. Personally, my favorite vegetable is steak. My steak used to eat vegetables when it was just a baby steak but get this – not even a steak is vegan – baby steaks drink milk. If you are a vegan for health reasons or just don’t like the taste of animal products, good for you. If you are a vegan because you think "steaks are people too" – well - they aren’t. Vegans that spend their days creating “meat substitutes” possess the darkest and most hypocritical of all human souls - they decry the evil of eating meat while looking for things that taste like meat.

There is no such thing as a ‘meat substitute’ in the context preferred by the global hippy elite. If the menu offers ‘two eggs and a grilled ham steak’ but you tell the waitress that you want smoked sausage links instead of the ham steak – you have made a meat substitute. Getting the sausage patties instead of bacon strips is a meat substitute. Asking the chef to make your chicken pad thai with tofu instead of chicken is NOT a meat substitute. It is just vegetable pad thai made with tofu. This has been my philosophy for a long time but recently, it has been brought to my attention that because of my opinions on veganism, I am “an asshole." This inspired me to do some soul searching and some reflection.

For as long as I can remember, on New Year's Day I have eaten cornbread, black-eyed peas, collard greens, and BBQ ribs. It is a plate of fare that I have been told was "tradition" but I suspect it’s a bullshit superstition. It matters not - tradition, superstition, repetition, nutrition, or whatever other kind of "ition" you prefer - eat what you like.
In the spirit of diversity and tolerance, I would like to offer a vegan version of my favorite traditional holiday meal. First I need to offer some background…

Corn Bread is delicious; the rich golden-brown color makes your mouth water. It symbolizes the gold you will get in the coming year. I make mine with butter and eggs and honey so it is NOT vegan-friendly. Vegan cornbread is quite popular and easy to make; me and the vegans can both enjoy a nice hunk of cornbread on NYD.

Collards are green like the color of money - slow-cooked collards with a few drops of vinegar-based pepper sauce has a way of making you happy inside. I use pork to season my greens; vegans don’t need MY help leafy vegetables. Me and the vegans can both enjoy some collard greens on NYD.

Blackeyed peas represent coins; the peas you eat, the more coins you will compile in the coming year. Just like collards, I use pork to season my beans; vegans can season them however they like. Me and the vegans can both enjoy a big spoonful of blackeyed peas on NYD.

Pork - let's be honest - have you ever seen a pig walk backward? Pigs are always moving forward, nose the ground rooting for goodies. Forever moving forward is the reason for eating pork on NYD - the tireless drive to keep moving forward. My favorite NYD pork has always been BBQ ribs – and BBQ ribs is what this thread is about…

The first thing you need to do is get a nice rack of your favorite PORK ribs and your favorite sauce. Rub those ribs REAL good – if you don’t use rub, use your preferred prep method and set them aside.

Next, gather this complicated list of ingredients for Vegan BBQ Ribs so your vegan guests won’t feel left out.
1 cup wheat gluten (to make Seitan)
2 Tbsp nutritional yeast
1 Tbsp smoked paprika
2 tsp onion powder
1 tsp garlic powder
1tbsp (or more if you like) of fresh ground black pepper
¾ cup vegetable broth
2 Tbsp peanut butter
1 tsp liquid smoke
1 Tbsp soy sauce

Prior to this scavenger hunt, put your PORK ribs on the smoker and let them smoke for about 3 hours. Once you get back from your 3 hour debacle at the hippy food store – pull your PORK ribs from the smoker, wrap your PORK ribs in some tin foil, and slow cook them at 225 for the next two hours.

Now try to focus your attention on the lie that we are calling vegan BBQ ribs to protect your vegan guests from the existential threat of eating meat. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and lightly grease an 8-inch baking dish. In a large mixing bowl mix the wheat gluten, yeast, paprika, onion powder, garlic powder, and pepper. In a smaller bowl, whisk the vegetable broth, peanut butter, liquid smoke, and soy sauce. Briefly consider the importance of your relationship with your vegan guests as you pour this mixture in the large bowl with the dry mixed ingredients. Stir gently until you have a bowl full of lies with a doughy consistency then knead ‘gently’ for 2-3 minutes. I emphasize gently because we don’t want to seem too aggressive – aggression is just the type of patriarchal behavior that could ruin your dinner party.

Transfer this doughy mass of lies into the greased baking dish and flatten it so it's spread evenly across the entire baking dish. Score the dough with a few even cuts that give you 1-inch slices that approximate the width of a single BBQ ribs made out of real meat. Don't cut all the way through the dough – the cut is ALSO just a lie – the cut makes it easy to separate after grilling and will make it easier for your vegan friends to “pretend” that they are eating real ribs.

Place the Seitan loaf in the preheated oven and cook for about 25 minutes then go pull your PORK ribs out of the foil. Brush them down with your favorite BBQ sauce and put them directly on the grill. Throw the aluminum foil in the trash. Let your PORK ribs cook on the grill over medium heat for one more hour to get a good glaze on them. Once your PORK ribs are in the final stages of meaty perfection, return to the soul-crushing task of fabricating fake ribs for your vegan friends by putting a light coat of olive oil on an appropriately sized grilling pan.

Remove the gluten-laden loaf of Seitan from the oven and brush the top with your friend’s favorite vegan-friendly barbecue sauce. Flip this slab of baked Seitan over and brush with more of the vegan-friendly barbecue sauce. Once you have sufficiently camouflaged this slab of wheat gluten with enough BBQ sauce, put the pan back in the 350-degree oven for about 5 minutes – after five minutes flip your rack of Vegan BBQ ribs over and cook for 5 more minutes.

If you have timed your cooking correctly, while your Vegan Ribs are getting their last 5 minutes of heat, your PORK ribs should be ready to pull off the grill. Put your PORK ribs on a big serving platter and let them rest for a few minutes.

Remove your Vegan BBQ ribs from the oven and serve immediately – DO NOT let them rest and DO NOT hesitate – serve the Vegan BBQ ribs hot out of the oven because the subterfuge will not last. Once your real friends have bitten into this delicious looking (seriously – these things will look awesome if done right) Vegan BBQ rib dish, they will quickly turn on your vegan friends for causing such an abomination. Keep first aid supplies nearby because someone is going to get hurt.

…someone gonna get hurt REAL bad

Once you have broken up the fight and the meat eaters have run off all of the vegan interlopers, you can toss this godless monstrosity in the trash. Crack open some beers, pull out some paper plates, some paper napkins, and some plastic cutlery, scoop up some pork flavored collard greens and blackeyed peas, and then dive face first into that platter of 3-2-1 cooked BBQ pork ribs.

When you are done eating with your real friends, throw the plastic cutlery, paper plates, paper napkins, rib bones, and beer bottles into the same trash can as that bullshit vegan food that you wasted your afternoon with. Don’t forget to change your cell number so those silly vegans can never again irritate you with pipe dreams of meat substitutes that taste like BBQ pork ribs.
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Old 01-07-2019, 11:53   #2
bblhead672
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Originally Posted by Box View Post
This has been my philosophy for a long time but recently, it has been brought to my attention that because of my opinions on veganism, I am “an asshole."
LOL...you are my #1 "anti-vegan asshole".

Vegans are like other fringe groups of weirdos, they are best when they keeps their mouths and opinions to themselves. At least that's what I got from a vegan who told me I was a deplorable and should just keep my opinions to myself.
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Old 01-07-2019, 12:01   #3
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I thought that the McRib from McDonald's are vegan ribs?

Because there ain't no meat to be found in a single serving.
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Old 01-07-2019, 12:17   #4
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Originally Posted by bblhead672 View Post
LOL...you are my #1 "anti-vegan asshole".

Vegans are like other fringe groups of weirdos, they are best when they keeps their mouths and opinions to themselves. At least that's what I got from a vegan who told me I was a deplorable and should just keep my opinions to myself.
Ha, Ha, Ha.....Mine too.....Maybe you ought to put that on a Tee-Shirt.....LOL

You should have stuffed that vegan's Birkenstock sandals down his throat and said "Yippie-Ki-Yay MotherFucker!"....LOL... Or better yet, stuffed a nice short rack of "real" baby backed ribs...way down.....
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Old 01-08-2019, 16:04   #5
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Beautifully done, but...

Quote:
This inspired me to do some soul searching and some reflection.
This will not keep you out of the re-education camps.

Wait... did I see Peanut Butter!!!
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Old 01-08-2019, 20:35   #6
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yes... you saw peanut butter - it is not a typo


Your comment about the re-education camp ruined my day - with people like Rashida Tlaib, Pancy Nelosi, Shuck Chumer, Bernie Flanders, and AOC running our government - trying to pander to vegans was an angle I had planned on working to keep myself out of deplorables-prison.
Now, because of you, I'll have another sleepless night worrying about my future
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Old 01-09-2019, 05:59   #7
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Originally Posted by Box View Post
yes... you saw peanut butter - it is not a typo


Your comment about the re-education camp ruined my day - with people like Rashida Tlaib, Pancy Nelosi, Shuck Chumer, Bernie Flanders, and AOC running our government - trying to pander to vegans was an angle I had planned on working to keep myself out of deplorables-prison.
Now, because of you, I'll have another sleepless night worrying about my future
LOL....Go cook yourself up a few racks of "real" ribs.....maybe you need to be in a "meat coma"......
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Old 01-09-2019, 06:56   #8
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Now, because of you, I'll have another sleepless night worrying about my future
Snap out of it!
Don't be like the AK/Home Party up in Warsaw thinking the Commies'll be better now that the Nazis are gone. You're a carnivore, born & bred to be such, training & dedicating your whole life to that art. Stand UP! and tell them No!, that you will mix some BACON with your peanut butter any damn time you please and, if they say to lay down your meat, you can tell them to come and take it.
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Old 01-09-2019, 08:11   #9
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I thought that the McRib from McDonald's are vegan ribs?

Because there ain't no meat to be found in a single serving.
McRibs are tricky - they are NOT vegan - but they aren't made out of "meat" either.

They are produced using a soylent base as the main ingredient with some fillers, then the entire patty is coated in a sauce made from high fructose corn syrup and genetically modified tomato puree

Vegans CANNOT eat a McRib under any circumstances.


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Snap out of it!
I had a double with cheese from 5-Guys yesterday - I am feeling much better. Thank you for caring about me though - it motivates me to do better.
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Last edited by Box; 01-09-2019 at 08:17.
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Old 01-18-2019, 16:37   #10
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Old 01-18-2019, 17:05   #11
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